Make It Stop

Hurricane Harvey arrived in Houston, Texas just before Jacob was scheduled for brain surgery that had the potential to end his seizures. Though he turned nineteen during his weeklong evaluation earlier in that year, he was to be treated as a pediatric patient. This would allow me to stay with him in the hospital as we were in unfamiliar territory so far from home. The flooding from this category four storm had damaged much of the area surrounding the medical center but we were still able to begin his healing journey in late October. 

Even prior to Covid-19, flu season meant that the PICU-Pediatric Intensive Care Unit was completely filled with children suffering from RSV so after each of his four surgeries, an area was set aside in post op for observation during his first twenty-four hours. Eight beds lined one wall, separated only by curtains. Somewhere around midnight after Jacob’s third procedure, the one where doctors removed an area of scar tissue from his brain that was producing the bulk of Jacob’s seizure activity, an infant with RSV was placed in the next bed. I heard the nurses and consultants training the parents on how to get the premie to latch and how to keep him awake when he should be eating. 

Jacob, still sedated after surgery, drifted in and out of sleep. In one of his more coherent moments, the baby was struggling particularly hard to eat and breathe at the same time. The constant crying not three feet from his head caused Jacob to moan, “Make it stop. Please make it stop.” It took me more than a moment to realize that he meant the crying. Unable to get a fix on his own bearings, my explanation of the precious little ones struggle did nothing to allay his frustration. It was a very long night. 

As I read the Bible, I tend to picture scenes in relation to things I’ve experienced and Bible characters in terms of people I know. For instance, I’ve always imagined that Peter was a red head, probably because he reminds me so much of my husband, headstrong, impetuous, fiercely determined, and maybe a little hotheaded. The Bible, after all, is a book of stories about real people in real world situations. I’ve enjoyed studying the Bible through a Hebrew lens recently. Our western culture is much different and often leads to misunderstanding, but I believe it’s far better to err on the side of imagining the wrong hair color on a real person than to read as if the characters are purely fictional.

While reading the gospel accounts during Holy Week, I read of the night that Jesus prayed in the garden, “saying, “Father, if You are willing, remove this cup [of divine wrath] from Me; yet not My will, but [always] Yours be done.”” Luke‬ ‭22‬:‭42‬ ‭AMP‬‬ I flashed back to the agony in Jacob’s voice in that moment. His guttural moans tore at my heart then. Each time I read of my Savior’s suffering, my heart aches with the same knowledge. Both Jacob and my Lord Jesus entered their suffering willingly. Jacob underwent four grueling operations in the hopes that he would be seizure free. He will soon be eight years out, married nearly five years, and father to two of my precious grandchildren. As wonderful as this is, nothing compares to the determination of Jesus or to the hope we enjoy because of His sacrifice. 

“He suffered the things we should have suffered. 

He took on himself the pain that should have been ours. 

But we thought God was punishing him. 

We thought God was wounding him and making him suffer. 

But the servant was pierced because we had sinned. 

He was crushed because we had done what was evil. 

He was punished to make us whole again. 

His wounds have healed us. 

All of us are like sheep. 

We have wandered away from God. 

All of us have turned to our own way. 

And the Lord has placed on his servant the sins of all of us.”

‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭53‬:‭4‬-‭6‬ ‭NIRV‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/110/isa.53.4-6.NIRV

“But Christ proved God’s passionate love for us by dying in our place while we were still lost and ungodly!”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭5‬:‭8‬ ‭TPT‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/1849/rom.5.8.TPT

“For, There is one God and one Mediator who can reconcile God and humanity—the man Christ Jesus. 

He gave his life to purchase freedom for everyone. 

This is the message God gave to the world at just the right time.”

‭‭1 Timothy‬ ‭2‬:‭5‬-‭6‬ ‭NLT‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/116/1ti.2.5-6.NLT

Jacob’s story is his own and one day he will tell it to the glory of God, of this I am sure. I am thankful that he has always been sensitive to God’s sovereign hand in his story, but I have a sacred responsibility to preserve all that I saw during those days, both for him and for his children and all who will hear and acknowledge Christ as Lord to the glory of God because of his testimony. 

Our memories are invariably skewed. Science has proven this much. What is filtered and revised by our subconscious mind is sometimes intended to protect us from reliving the past, but often it is an attempt to justify our own actions. We remember what we choose to remember until something triggers the supercomputer that is our brain. A smell or a raw emotion, catching a glimpse of someone or something familiar, the sound of a voice, or even a dream can transport us back to a moment as if no time had passed. Other times, we need help remembering. If scripture seems repetitive, there’s a good reason for it. Our memories need to be jogged regularly. We must learn to see the world with new eyes, spiritual eyes, and we must never forget what we have seen.

Joshua was with Moses when all Israel crossed the Red Sea on dry ground and he saw the bodies of the Egyptians wash ashore the following morning. He spent forty years wandering in the wilderness for the nation’s faithlessness, and he and Caleb alone of their generation entered the promised land. Moses’s final words recounted God’s faithfulness. God would display His power again under Joshua. He asked only that Joshua remember and be strong and courageous. God’s promise to Joshua was the same as it had been to Moses. I will be with you always. He promised to confirm His presence before Israel by parting the Jordan.

“See, the ark of the covenant of the Lord of all the earth will go into the Jordan ahead of you. 

Now then, choose twelve men from the tribes of Israel, one from each tribe. 

And as soon as the priests who carry the ark of the Lord—the Lord of all the earth—set foot in the Jordan, its waters flowing downstream will be cut off and stand up in a heap.”

The priests who carried the ark of the covenant of the Lord stopped in the middle of the Jordan and stood on dry ground, while all Israel passed by until the whole nation had completed the crossing on dry ground.”

‭‭Joshua‬ ‭3‬:‭11‬-‭13‬, ‭17‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/111/jos.3.11-17.NIV

“When the whole nation had finished crossing the Jordan, the Lord said to Joshua, “Choose twelve men from among the people, one from each tribe, and tell them to take up twelve stones from the middle of the Jordan, from right where the priests are standing, and carry them over with you and put them down at the place where you stay tonight.” 

So Joshua called together the twelve men he had appointed from the Israelites, one from each tribe, and said to them, “Go over before the ark of the Lord your God into the middle of the Jordan. 

Each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the Israelites, to serve as a sign among you. 

In the future, when your children ask you, ‘What do these stones mean?’ tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord. 

When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. 

These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever.””

‭‭Joshua‬ ‭4‬:‭1‬-‭7‬ ‭NIV‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/111/jos.4.1-7.NIV

My blog posts are like those stones. They serve as spiritual markers reminding me of where God found me, how His Word changes my mind and my heart, and how He is transforming my life. His promise to me and to you is the same promise.

“And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.””

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭28‬:‭20‬ ‭NLT‬‬

https://bible.com/bible/116/mat.28.20.NLT